So sick of myself that I want to throw up

Why am I like that? Why can I never know what I want? Why?
Maybe I shall be cruel and just take up the internship to try it out and quit should I dislike it. Maybe I should just be wilful and do whatever I like. I will just buy a one way ticket to Laos and run away from reality. I am tired. My heart is ever heavy. Don't remember ever being in such shitty state in the last 22.5 years of my life. Why now? I have always been carefree. Why now? Can someone please just help me decide the path of my life? Maybe I should just go and be a nun. After all, since my birth, my life, my name has been in relation with Buddha. Maybe then I will find inner peace. I hate myself! This is crazy! I'm typing on my brother's laptop and crying! Why did I turn out to be like that? I dun usually cry. Well not cry for myself. Maybe for a touching movie, song or book. But crying over my own pathetic self. God my heart aches like hell. Please stop crying! Please stop being so pathetic.
Stopped crying liao. Feeling spent. I don't have any more energy to think. Maybe it's better this way. I can fall asleep without thinking so much. Haa... I can even laugh at myself. I will be fine, I hope.