It's Official ...

I am not cut out for PhD. Well at least not research in the biopharma field. Feeling relieved and yet disappointed at the same time.

Had a little chat with my boss this afternoon. We were tokking about doing PhD and stuff again and he asked about our intentions once more. My friend blurted out that I am actually looking into doing a course on hospitality. He agreed. Agreed that I am probably not suited for PhD. Never went into details as to why he thinks so, but earlier he mentioned that to do PhD, one must have the capabilities. Guess from here, it's not hard to infer that I am not capable enough to do PhD. Thinking about this, can't help feeling a little disappointed with myself. It feels like I am not good enough for it, basically that I am incompetent. Of cos, everyone is capable in different ways. But I guess being not good enough in no matter what area just doesn't feel nice...

However, I am feeling kind of relieved too. I guess I have been asking myself if research is the right path for me. Prior to today, though I pretty much have an idea that I probably am not continuing in this line, I still have my doubts. But now, I guess I can pretty much say for sure I will be divering off and move into another field. It's like suddenly, the path in front of me has reduced from a fork road to a straight path. Things are so much clearer. No more doubts. I can just concentrate on my remaining option - hospitality/tourism.

I am now really exploring the possibilities of going into the tourism industry. Been checking up on courses that I can take to equip myself with the right skills. After all, I have zero experience. Also, think I need to really speak to people to find out the true climate of the industry, the requirements should I want to develop a career in this line. So, does anyone have friends and relatives in this field? If so, can link me up? Thanks.

Alternative Motivation

Bought two skirts recently... Sigh, was on a rampage again. That's the result of being alone in Orchard and with sale going on. Spent $80 in Espirt on 2 skirts. On retrospect, I was really splurging way overboard. Sigh. But I just can't seem to help it... Argh.

Anyway, showed my mom the new skirts and she said, "Wah, so big. I probably can wear too." True enough, she could. Not a surprise really, since I have always known that we wear pretty much the same size clothes. That idea never made an impact on me until today. I consciously realised - Oh my buddha! I wear the same size clothes as my mom! She had given birth to 3 children, in her mid-fifties and went through menopause.. Naturally she has a big tummy that once contained me. And me, at just 23 years old, wearing the same skirt size as her!!! Argh!! Guess the only blessing that comes out of this very demoralising fact is that we can share our clothes, well at least make the most out of the $80... Sob.

Immediately, after the episode, I went to the living room and put on the OTO tummy trim vibrating belt.. I guess I was indirectly trying to console myself, that soon my clothes will be exclusive to myself only... if you know what I mean. Sigh, when will that day come!?! Maybe should use this as my motivation to lose weight!

Side note: Saw this in the chinese paper today describing a Sagittarius. Thought I fit the description to say about 80%.. What do you think? (Bold - points that think fit me pretty well, the rest are points I am striving to develop! Hee!)

射手座

崇尚自由，无拘无束，追求速度的感觉，生性乐观，热情，是享乐主义派。有阳刚的气息，宽大体贴的精神。喜欢新的经验与尝试，尤其是运动及旅行。永远无法被束缚，不肯妥协，同时又具备人性与野性，精力充沛且活动力强。有着远大理想，任何时候和地方都不会放弃希望和理想。

Motivation

Always need motivation to accomplish something.

Today, I finally learnt to cycle. Well, at least be able to continuously cycle for few minutes without stopping. Have always wanted to learn to cycle as it's an important skill in life. Didn't take me that long to pick it up actually. Maybe about 30mins to be smooth as now, guess once you remove the fear of falling, it's much easier. However, still need to practise a lot as my skill is still very mediocre. Can't ride slowly without toppling left and right - my balancing ability still not good enough. Also, I was practising on an open quadrangle just now, not exactly challenging, since there's no obstructions. Wonder how I will fair when I cycle on narrow lanes.. Prob not very good.

My motivation came from the need to be able to cycle when I go Thailand in two weeks time. Going to visit Ayutthaya which has sprawling historical ruins. Hence to be able to get from one attaction to another in much shorter time, cycling is the best way to go... Cheap, convenient and healthy! I guess without this motivation, I would be still putting off the intention to learn to cycle.

Speaking about Thailand, I am really looking forward to it. Recently been getting along very well with G. Went out for movies together (just saw Everlasting Regrets.. What a slow movie!), shared opinions in things. She's really easy to get along actually... Not picky in anyway. Think we will have a good time.

Anyway, back to cycling. It's really enjoyable actually. To feel the breeze in your face, get a good cardio work out and prob tighter buns too! Haa. It's a pity that my parents never made me and my siblings learn cycling when we were young. Such life skills should be equipped since young so that we can enjoy the benefits of the sport.

The same goes for swimming. I can't swim well at all. Only picked up swimming in secondary one cos it was part of our PE. Till now, my breaststroke sucks. Can't seem to move in the water. Freestyle - though can move but I always get very out of breath after swimming one lap. And because of my little to be desired swimming abilities, I am not confident in water. Hence, tend to give all the water sports a miss, though I really am interested in stuff like diving and canoeing. I do enjoy all these activities, but my lack of confidence pretty much restricts me to land acitvities! Do intend to pick up swimming proper soon, but somehow been putting off the course (money is an issue here..). Have yet to find a compelling motivation for swimming. But hopefully in months to come, I can take part in all the sports that I want! Spur me on!

Not Going To Damage My Head Permanently

Tuesday was a big day for us interns, as it was the first major presentation to director M. All of us had drills after drills leading to the final presentation. In the end, it was a rather informal one. She didn't slaughter us. Didn't ask a lot in fact... Or rather in my case, and a few others, she fell asleep. That, we prob had to thank a Mr High-Mighty for, cos he cut into our presentations, had to postpone the last few presentations to after lunch...
Mr High-Mighty is actually my biggest boss. Read his comments in the papers before, which were really irritating, but still gave him the benefit of doubt, since reports may be biased. But as it turns out.. having met him in person, he is as every bit I cannot stand as he appears in the papers. Essentially, he's a super arrogrant man, who boasts about his accomplishments non-stop. Thinks that only people with a PhD in Science are worth anything, anyone else is worthless. The way he speaks just puts me off. (Not just me actually) W tries to defend him by saying that all he said was on purpose, to provoke people to think abt whether if they want to do PhD. But one can do that without having to condemn all other beings to 18 levels of hell. How can anyone discredit the life and efforts of another? Also, how did the government actually gave such a person such a high post. No doubtly, he is capable. But surely, one can be capable without having to be so rude? Without having to put down everyone else? He probably has the highest IQ and zero (or rather negative infinity) EQ. He is the worst role model to the young people...
I was still debating before Tues if I want to do PhD after this 1 year with my company. Initially, was still keeping my options open, though it's a 75% likely not. After Tues, it's a 98% 'No'. How can I work under a company that is headed by someone like that? Even if I want to do PhD, I won't do under this company. I am sure there are many other ways to get a scholarship if I am really keen. If not, I can always work first and earn money to finance my studies.
That being said, I am starting to get an answer to what I want for work in life. I think I probably will end up in a totally different field from this. These few months though enjoyable, is not the kind of life I see myself in for the years to come. I think I want to go into the tourism/hospitality line actually.. This idea has been churning in the back of my head. I think it's time for me to start find the feasibility of it...

A Good Laugh ... Future

W was right. Every now and then, it's important to have a good laugh. Had an extremely enjoyable dinner on Thu. W and V provided so much tickles, I was laughing so much that tears couldn't stop flowing. It has been a while since I had such a fun dinner with extremely good dessert too (went to Big O.. if you like nuts and chocolate, I highly recommend 'Nuttin Comparze'.) Of course, the company plays a far more critical role than food, and 5 of us were very comfortable together. It's really very therapeutic actually, to lose all stress over food and laughters. Thanx W, V, G and QY for the great dinner.

Completed 3 months of my internship. Had a meeting with my supervisors on Tue, during which Boss asked about my intentions after the 1 year. I was answerless. Didn't know what to say because I have yet to find my answer.
These months have been enjoyable actually. Guess I was lucky to have choosen my project and be in the lab. My bosses and the staffs are all very nice and friendly. Think I wouldn't have as good an impression of research environment if I had been working in the other labs (well, definitely not in the cell culture lab). I think I am a person who's very dependent on the environment and relations between people. I can't survive in an environment where interaction is minimal. Whenever I am over at the cell culture lab, it's such dreadful work. Everyone just goes about their own businesses, especially in front of each's BSC. You heardly hear laughters or chit chats in the lab. Luckily, my lab is totally different. The mood is always relax and unstressful. Laughters and jibes between people are common. It just makes one's work so much more enjoyable.
Still with regards to myself, I can't exactly say if I'm suitable for research. I frankly told my boss that at present point in time, I dun think I'm cut out for PhD at least. I seriously lack the passion required. Don't have the trouble shooting skills nor think fast enough. I think too slowly!! But my supervisors tell me such things develop over time, slow thinking doesn't inhibit one from pursuing a PhD. However, like I've told G, V and QY before, think I am only suitable as an RO at best. Research to me is just a job, enjoyable but not passionate about. I'm not inspired by the prospects of making ground breaking discoveries. I am just contented to be me. Don't know. Still have a bit more time to think about it, but my boss will be asking again very soon... Sigh. Hopefuly I've found my answer then.
(* Regret to inform that the dinner picture has been removed to not implicate my friends should I be sued by Mr High-Mighty - refer to post "Not going to damage my head permanently".)