I Gave Up Waiting...
"I gave up waiting for you to call me back...", I said last night to S.
What does this line mean to you when you hear it?
I tried to keep my tone of voice neutral, but I doubt I can totally hide my disappointment. Don't know if he sensed it.
For this r/s, I spend a lot of time waiting in front of the computer. Waiting for the correct time to call him, waiting for his call back. Sometimes it's a 10 min wait, but more often than not, it's a fruitless hour of waiting. Yesterday, was closer to the latter.
He said he will call me back in a few minutes, so I dutifully waited in front of my laptop, so that I can answer the call on Skype. I fell asleep waiting, it was past midnight already. Woke up 45 mins later, still there wasn't any call. Started to get a little disheartened, but know that he could be busy on the phone, so sent him a text message. Still no response. I gave up cos I really needed to get to bed. Just as I was falling asleep, my phone rang. It's him.
Perhaps, I should just be thankful that he did eventually call. And I am. But somehow, somehow... I felt awfully disappointed. Maybe because this isn't the first time... In fact, god knows how many times had this happened before. Though he did apologise, my disappointment wasn't appeased. It was a quick 'sorry', and that was it.
We talked for 3 mins... and had to hang up, cos it was 1 am already. I had to go to bed and he had to make more calls. But I didn't fall asleep immediately, though tired as I was. Instead, I tossed and turned. Finally fell asleep, thinking that all would be fine after a night's rest... But no. My feelings are still raw. I can't concentrate at work. My tears are falling again.
I'm afraid that the inevitable day will come very soon... That one day, I will vent off all my frustration and disappointment altogether at him. That I can no longer rationalise and act willfully. That I will hurt this r/s in my outburst and push him away. I'm scared this day will come, cos I don't want to lose him. It's starting to hurt... Maybe it's all a mistake right from the start.
Maybe I should give up altogether...
What does this line mean to you when you hear it?
I tried to keep my tone of voice neutral, but I doubt I can totally hide my disappointment. Don't know if he sensed it.
For this r/s, I spend a lot of time waiting in front of the computer. Waiting for the correct time to call him, waiting for his call back. Sometimes it's a 10 min wait, but more often than not, it's a fruitless hour of waiting. Yesterday, was closer to the latter.
He said he will call me back in a few minutes, so I dutifully waited in front of my laptop, so that I can answer the call on Skype. I fell asleep waiting, it was past midnight already. Woke up 45 mins later, still there wasn't any call. Started to get a little disheartened, but know that he could be busy on the phone, so sent him a text message. Still no response. I gave up cos I really needed to get to bed. Just as I was falling asleep, my phone rang. It's him.
Perhaps, I should just be thankful that he did eventually call. And I am. But somehow, somehow... I felt awfully disappointed. Maybe because this isn't the first time... In fact, god knows how many times had this happened before. Though he did apologise, my disappointment wasn't appeased. It was a quick 'sorry', and that was it.
We talked for 3 mins... and had to hang up, cos it was 1 am already. I had to go to bed and he had to make more calls. But I didn't fall asleep immediately, though tired as I was. Instead, I tossed and turned. Finally fell asleep, thinking that all would be fine after a night's rest... But no. My feelings are still raw. I can't concentrate at work. My tears are falling again.
I'm afraid that the inevitable day will come very soon... That one day, I will vent off all my frustration and disappointment altogether at him. That I can no longer rationalise and act willfully. That I will hurt this r/s in my outburst and push him away. I'm scared this day will come, cos I don't want to lose him. It's starting to hurt... Maybe it's all a mistake right from the start.
Maybe I should give up altogether...
posted by Nia at
9:59 AM
2 Comments:
Once upon a time, I found myself doing exactly what you did (waiting endlessly for a call), feeling what you feel (downplaying my disappointment when he called very late, assuring myself that I should be satisfied with his effort), crying endless nights, kept wondering if I should end it, and yet I was very scared of letting go. In fact, I didn't want to let go, because after all that disappointment, I feel like I still can't stop myself from loving him.
It exhausted me. Made me want to be angry at him. Made me want to blame him for destroying our relationship. For being so unfair to me. Yet till this day, I can't make myself blame him wholeheartedly. I still care. I just can't sustain anger in me. But I caved in to the disappointment.
For me, it was good for the length it lasted. Took me years to realize, and to some extent, I think I am still trying to figure it out.
You know your own story better than anyone else, and will make more accurate predictions than anyone will. But amidst this confusion and waves of heightened emotions, try to let yourself BE. Cruise with the emotions, that's what keep you real. And at the end of the day, you know you have loved, and perhaps, that will be the most meaningful piece in this adventure.
Know that no matter what, your dearest ones like me will love you for who you are. Maybe S will too, maybe not. Or maybe, it will be someone else who will love you and bring you happiness. Because you deserve nothing less than bliss.
hello... to be practical, I think you may have to sort out the differences in expectation.
What are you expecting from the relationship? Is he expecting the same?
We have no time and energy to indulge in wild guessing.
You could be much happier.
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