Realisation

I realise the journeys home from work are times when I reflect unconsciously. Because I'm usually on my own, I have time to think through the day's events or ponder over some stuff with not much distractions from surroundings. I've made little discoveries about myself on these journeys.
All my life I haven't really placed much expectations on myself. In terms of concrete expectations that is. Like must score 9A1s out of 10 or something like that. I have goals but nothing solid, so I guess what happens in the end is that I slack off and don't produce the best results I am capable off - good but not good enough. This slackness only pertains to situations involving only myself. My studies, my research work etc.

However, when it comes to things that involve other people, my sense of responsibility just seem to jump by hundreds of folds. When I know that my performance will affect others, I really put my heart and soul into the work to ensure that everything proceeds smoothly. In all cases of teamwork- chinese orchestra, drama, community service and even now, my internship coursework... I feel the obligation to do my best, not to answer to myself, but to answer to others and I guess in sense, prove to others my ability.

This is not exactly a good thing. I should not be proving to others but to myself. I am answerable to only myself (well, and my family I guess). Why am I only doing my best in front of others? Do I care only for what others think? What about being responsible to myself? I must start correcting this mentally. I must really look into my inner self... and answer to me.