Disappear ... Lost

Wish to disappear from SG.

Again!?!? Yaa.. Guess I can't stay in SG for longer than 3 weeks without wishing I'm off somwhere else.

I wonder what's wrong with me. Why can't I be satisfied and live happily at home? Why do I always yearn to be somewhere else? In some other country? It's not as if I hate my country.. On the contrary, I love SG very much. I am very proud to be a Singaporean, despite all the ugly Singaporean attributes. I love my homeland very much... But so much that I wish that I am always not here!?!? Ironical. I am thankful that I hold the Singapore passport.. my ticket to the world beyond.

To me, SG is both my home and place of dread. This land equates to a place of expectations and a place of creature comforts. I know I will be able to live here comfortably in the material sense, but yet, I will not be able to satisfy my need to explore. I really think that I need to live abroad for an extended period of time - maybe a year or two. Maybe only after that will I be able to appreciate SG without the feeling of dread. My siblings and close friends all have had or are living their chance of being abroad. I wish for the same too...
Also, think my need to be away stems from something more troubling. I realise that I tend to wish to runaway whenever I am in face of expectations. A looming dateline is coming... And I dread it so much, I am puking. The prospect of next 6 months of torture, probably without any chance of respite in between, is like a huge constrictor around my chest - I can hardly breath. Why am I facing these responsbilities with such dread? Do I only know how to enjoy and not face challenges and fulfill expectations?

This foreboding is probably a result of not knowing what I want yet in life. Sadly, I seem to have been lamenting on this ever since I started this blog about 5.5 months ago. 5.5 months technically ain't long nor short. But I still haven't found an answer to the question. People live their whole life not knowing what they want - but I don't want to be like them. I don't want to live an aimless life. But how? How do I find that elusive answer?

At a lost all over again...