Perseverance ... Learning

我决定了，我不能荒废我的按摩技术。 所以我刚参加了好几个于按摩有关的课程。 还好，CC有。不然我想我会花很多钱在这些课程上。 接下来的几个星期，我会参加不同的workshops，在全岛各地。 有shiatsu massage, head massage, aromatherapy and general body relaxation massage。
和YX在网上交谈，欣赏她对不同兴趣地坚持。回国后，她决定继续修读德文，以不荒废多年来的努力。还记得高中时的她；总是在课余时间，找时间充实自己，参加油画，设计等课程。我要向她学习，不断地在自己的兴趣上进修。我想有个兴趣，对自己也是好事。不让工作冲势生命。 生活里会有其他的推动力。 这样的生活应该会比较多姿多彩吧。
我不能在被动了， 不能每天只躺在床上想着要做什么。 我要把梦想付诸于行动。 Dreams need not always be dreams only! 渐渐的，我希望我能慢慢实现一直以来的想法。 我想我能的！
朋友们，你们愿意帮我吗？如果愿意，请当我的白老鼠吧！谢谢！

It's A Small World.

" It's A Small World"

Written by: Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman
It's a world of laughter
A world of tears
It's a world of hopes
And a world of fears
There's so much that we share
That it's time we're aware
It's a small world after all

There is just one moon
And one golden sun
And a smile means Friendship to ev'ryone
Though the mountains divide
And the oceans are wide
It's a small world after all

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small, small world

Yes. It's a small world. Especially if you are a Singaporean, and you have been pretty much living around high flyers all your life. (Not that I am a high flyer... Rather I should say that I am a very heavy flyer, so can't fly very high!)
As you all know, I will be starting my 1 year of cheap labour come Friday. While, it turns out that out of the 10 interns accepted into the program, I know 3 others! One is my primary school clasmate, another my project angel mate and the third is my honours classmate. Now, how coincidental can that be? (Saw their names on the email that the HR sent) Well, I guess now that I'll be going into the programme with my friends, guess it no longer seems so horrible! Maybe I'll even look forward to it! (Erm.. though, still trying to look forward to it! Haa.)

沧狂

花了好多钱！ 最后还是经不起诱惑，买了一条49元的裙子。心好痛，但又很开心拥有了那条裙子。人是矛盾的。 还没开工，就已经花未来钱了！惨，希望以后会因为太忙而没时间去shopping! 这样我就有可能落实每个月存1000元的目标！ 想得美！
用华文写日记，还真难！太不习惯了。错别字一大箩！请不要介意，我的高级华文是C6的！最近，有两个朋友分别叫我在清迈和寮国教华文。起初觉得不可能，因为我的华文是ｃａｎｎｏｔ　ｍａｋｅ　ｉｔ的。 但是想了想，能教华文会是个很好的赚钱途径。很多人都能叫英文，但是能教华文的就少只有少。我们又是双语（不是很）精通的，所以占优势！还是找不到哪里有学教华文的课程。有了这一技之长，　可以到各地教华文，转旅游费！Ｅｒｍｍ．．如果有任何人知道那里可以上这类的课，请告诉我！谢谢！

Bit of Excitement

Went to collect my grad gown today. Never felt excited abt the prospects of attending the graduation ceremony until today. Guess was influenced by my friends' enthusiasm. It's bloody expensive to rent the gown! $30! Then another $17 for the bloody handshake photo! Haa..of cos the latter is optional, but like all people say.. It's once in a life time! (Well, for me at least... the possibility of me further studying is rather slim at the present moment.) Anyway, so there goes nearly $50!! Not including the white shirt, pants/skirts and shoes!! Haa. Is it worth it? Haa.. the guy selling the cert plaques was asking if I want to make one (Mind you..heard it costs >$100!!), then I replied, "My results not good, make liao will only feel worse!!" Haa... which is true! Dun worry, I'm not upset about my 2nd lower.. Gotten over it in 2 hours after the release of results!!
Then on my way back, was speculating the feasibility of starting a private gown rental company by amassing the gowns that grads bought and then rent them out to the new grads at a lower cost, say $20!?! Haa.. actually seems like a very feasible possibility since so many people buy the gowns nowadays! Haa. But I guess will run into legal problems since NUS co-op is the sole approved vendor! Sigh.. Haa. Day dreaming...

Yeesh

Yeesh... Dunnoe what's wrong with the blog! Can't view the main page and can't read one of the posts! So irritating! If it had been just one of the posts, then nevermind lah. But even the main page got problem. Argh.. Irritating.

Sudden Elation

Was about to go offline, when the free wireless access got connected. So decided to stay longer and download photos that my massage coursemate sent me. Previously, thought that the photos were all of our graduation ceremony, cos could only view a few of the pictures using dial-up. Then suddenly, I noticed a picture that I didn't expect!
Yup, a picture of Him, looking all decent! Haa. The picture was probably taken on Wednesday, when he turned up with a new hair cut and cleanly shaven. Think the new style was for the Father Doctor celebration the next day. Previously, he had longer hair and bit goatee, which I actually preferred, cos got more character! But this new cleaner look not bad also lah, haa.. less playboy! For those of you who have been asking me how he looks like... Haa. Here it is. Ermm.. He's not shuai at all lah. What's attractive about Him, is his confidence and eyes that are very expressive. Haa.The friend who sent me this photo is the other Singaporean guy in the course. He is the blabbermouth and teased us a lot! Not surprised he had a photo of Him and actually sent it to me! I didn't request for it hor!!
Anyhow, glad that now I do have a photo of Him. Adds to the wonderful memories of my Thailand trip.. At least not as regretful about lack of camera liao! Haa...

Yearning

惨了。 越想,越想飞走。现在，满脑海里都是清迈的画面。Talaat Chiangmai, Wat Chedi Luang, Doi Suthep, Massage School, Tickky Cafe, Thaiway Guesthouse, Thanon Wualai, Saturday and Sunday Bazaar, Banana Guesthouse, Riverside Restaurant, Rooftop bar... and zillions of other places... 好想就放纵地上网订机票，如果订到了，我就飞去；没订到，我就任命。But I guess I will never have the courage. What do I tell my parents if I really do bought the tickets and go? Sigh.. think I am crazy. Why can't I be contented with the lazy life I am leading now. Just enjoy and relax until work starts. Why still so 心痒痒, always thinking of flying away!?!? I must learn to be at ease and enjoy the luxury of being home!

But Ah! So envious of people who can be abroad.. One of my friend is going to Carribeans to work for 1-2 years! Carribeans! Sun, sand and sea! Everyday! Argh...

A Pang of Regret

Was viewing my friend's photos of Sri Lanka. Suddenly felt that pang of regret of not bringing my camera to Thailand again. Was very xiao sa initially. Didn't bring, then didn't bring loh. So what? If the places I've visited are really wonderful, I will commit them to memory. But who am I kidding? I should have known better that my tiny brain can't remember so many things. Sigh, now can only regret. Would so love to have captured all the sights of Thailand I saw. The beauty of the locals' hospitality to the sadness of the lamed beggers. And of cos.. Haa.. Him. Though I don't feel anything when I think of him anymore, but still, to be able to retain a picture of Him would be nice. I'm actually toying with the idea to fly to Chiangmai again! Just to take photos of all the places I've been. But then everything will be different. The spontaneity of photography would be lost. Many of the people I've known have left. Things are no longer the same.. Same place but different scenerio. As the director always say "Same Same But Different".
Well.. this teaches me. Time to invest in a camera!!! Sigh..

Sick

Argh... I hate being sick! Yesternite was horrible! My stupid migraine acted up and didn't get any better till this afternoon! Yeesh, why am I the only one in the family who gets horrible migraines? Felt nauseous when i stand up or sit up, but when I'm lying down, my head feels like splitting! Hours of pure torture! AH..... Seems like the only headche relief medicine for me is Panadol Actifast! Must have a constant supply at home. Cannot stand another round of such torture next time! Friends, if any of you have miracle for treating headache, please let me know! I will try anything!
Now feeling better, no more headache. But my body is burning! Think i have a fever. Don't feel too good that's for sure. Buddha, let me be well ASAP! Argh.. I hate being sick!

Mom and Dad

My parents' relationship has never been good. Though as we grew up, things got kind of better. But found out the reason behind my mom's bitterness towards my dad today. I don't blame her, in fact, I admire her for suffering in silence all these years, all because of we 3 siblings. I can't imagine how I will turn out if not for my mom. She's the epitome of the strong, resilient woman of the older generation. Thank you Mom. I hope one day, you will be able to forgive Dad and relief the years of hurt you have suffered.

The 3 of us will be filial! I love you Mom! You have suffered much for us. It's time you enjoy.

Sharing

Sharing mp3 online with Lian now. Such a simple thing, yet I feel blissful! Listening to songs I like and sharing them with a good friend. Songs and music can be very moving. There are songs which I will tear practically everytime when I hear them.

" Love, Me"
by Collin Raye.

I read a note my grandma wrote
Back in 1923
Grandpa kept it in his coat
And he showed it once to me
He said boy you might not understand
But a long long time ago
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none
But I loved your grandma so

We had this crazy plan to meet
And run away together
Get married in the first town we came to
And live forever
But nailed to the tree where we were
Supposed to meet instead
I found this letter and this is what it said

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Till I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love me

I read those words just hours before
My grandma passed away
In the doorway of the church
When me and grandpa stopped to pray
I know I'd never seen him cry
All my 15 years
But as he said these words to her
His eyes filled up with tears

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Till I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love me

Between now and then till I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love me

Geylang ... Thailand ... Sex industry

Went to Geylang area for Father's Day dinner at a restaurant called Whole Earth. Not a bad place, food's alright. Been there twice liao, don't think will go back again. Must continue to check out new vege places. So if anyone of you know of any, please kindly drop me a note!
It's great to have the whole family seat down together for dinner. Such occassions are rare in my family, cos usually at least one is away in a foreign country. I'm usually the one around my parents, guess cos I haven't yet had the chance to live away from home. Sis had her time in Oz, Bro been away almost months since he joined Air Force. I'm the "乖"one, always stuck in SG. Some of my friends tell me, I deserve my chance to go awayand explore the world. I agree. Don't need to be very long. Maybe half to 1 year of independent living will be good experience. But I guess that isn't going to happen soon, well not in the next 1 year I guess, with the internship thingy. Sigh.. Maybe in next year..
Went to eat durians after dinner. Eat until super bloated lah, but damn shiok, since haven't had any for a while. On the way towards the durians area, passed by the red light district area Geylang is famous for. Is actually my first time passing by the area. According to my sis, those girls standing along the streets are illegal ones on social passes. The licenced ones are found inside the shophouses! I must say, haven't seen one that's pretty! But I guess, for the guys, they probably just need the act, heck the looks and figure. Some of them are really quite a turn off to me. Sigh. Sometimes wonder if I should pity them instead? I doubt any girl would want to degrade themselves to selling their bodies if circumstances allow. Who am I to judge?
Seeing them, reminds me of Thailand, Bangkok in particular. There was this German guy called George, who was also staying at Hostel Thailand. Me, him and the 2 other SG girls talked for quite a few hours on one of the nights. He was complaining abt being harrassed by all the touts asking him to watch "Free Shows". The tuk-tuk driver he was with actually asked him 10 times! If I were him, I would be super annoyed too. But he was a lone farang man, of cos he would be asked zillions of times. Poor thing really. But what saddens me is that the sex industry is so rampant in Thailand! To think that it's actually illegal! My stand is that the government is making it worst by not recognising the presence of the industry! Common, s0me people go to Thailand just for the cheap sex! Not regulating it, forces everything underground. The girls (and well guys) that serve the industry will be the ones that suffer! They aren't recognised and will be treated badly! No medical insurance and benefits, horrible pay, no wonder AIDS is a problem. Sigh...
Another thing that continues to baffle me is that Thais are generally buddhists, aren't buddhists suppose to be not be pure at heart? 5 precepts had one that says no adultery/no sexual misconduct. Then why is the sex industry so rampant? Maybe becos buddhism preaches the need for high level of tolerance too hence they can accept everything? Wish I can ask a Thai on his/her view...

Evil

Ripping off some person's wireless internet access. Haa *Evil Laughter* Luckily my bro is an IT wizz! After so long, finally can get to use free internet! Haa! And is broadband access! Haa!

Heard "Leaving on the Jet Plane" yesterday on my way home from JP on the free JP shuttle! So surprised. Never heard the original version b4, Hee. Think I'm truly over Him. Yeah! Congrats to me. Now, it's a nice 艳遇。Hey, finally I get my share of them! Haa.. Usually I'm the one who listens to stories, never the telling one. Haa.. Hey, feels good to be the entertainer sometimes! Oh no... getting 骄傲over something like this! Haa.. Sorry! Crazy!

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I be back again
Oh, baby, I hate to go...

PS: It's Father's Day today! Happy Father's Day, Dad!

Happiness

Nothing much to write really. Just want to say that I am feeling contented (almost) and happy. I'm grining to myself!! Haa...

How do I live without you...

I've known her for 8.5 years and gosh, she ever amazes me. Within an hour, she sorted me out! Must thank Buddha for bringing her into my life. How will I ever survive if I had not known her? Now, feeling so at ease! SY: how do I live without you? I want to know... I am back to my usual self. Thoughtless and brainless... I miss being so carefree! Found out too that my honours classmate will be joining me for the internship. Won't be so tough now, going into it with someone I know. Also like SY said, I was just too worried and concern. Not bo chap ,which is a good and natural thing in face of another phase in life. I can do this.. I may even love this. Yes.. I may even love it.
Even Him.. though me and SY never talked abt Him, but somehow my heart no longer flutters when I think of him. Can only smile at the times he made me laughed. It is now just a memory that brings a smile to my face. I am so glad.
Saw Nat's reply today. She's leaving for Oz tmr. Will be meeting her bf and they have sorted it all out. So glad for her. Hope things work out. Wish you all the best Nat. Many Buddha's blessings.
Now that I can look back at all the entries and laugh at them, laugh at my silliness, laugh at my worries. Think I have the courage to share my blog with my close friends. Yes.. think I can.
I am so relief and happy!! Now, what should I do for the next 2 weeks? WL wants me to go Laos.. but not enough time. Think I have to disappoint her again. Argh.. but I do so want to go!!! Damn..... Laos... do I have to wait another year again!?!?

One of the songs...

He loves to sing English songs. Of the many he sang, this was one that I remembered the most. Think I'm slowly starting to not feel as affected anymore. People always say "Time heals everything", guess it's true. The image of him inside my head is starting to get fuzzy.. Probably a good sign. In time.. In time...

"Leaving On A Jet Plane"
CHANTAL KREVIAZUK

I'm ... I'm ...

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye

But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

I'm ...

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing

Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back I'll wear your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I'll be on my way

Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times that I won't have to say ...

Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

And I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

And I'm leaving on a jet plane
(Ah ah ah ah)
Leaving on a jet plane ... ...

I can't believe this!! Destiny!

Think Buddha is making fun of me! Think he is looking down from heavens up high and laughing. If not, how could I have receieved an email not from Him but from his half-brother!?!? Argh! I've been waiting for an email from Chiangmai for so long, but what I get was a reply from the Director - thanking me for the message I left on their website! I don't want a reply from the director, I want a reply from Him! I want to know how he has been in the past week since I left? I want to know if he wants to remain in contact and be friends!? Argh.. I hate this! I hate the irony!! Why!?!? Buddha, can you stop laughing at me and get Him to email me!? Or is this your way of making me forget Him? Maybe I should just accept the destiny you laid out for me...

So sick of myself that I want to throw up

Why am I like that? Why can I never know what I want? Why?
Maybe I shall be cruel and just take up the internship to try it out and quit should I dislike it. Maybe I should just be wilful and do whatever I like. I will just buy a one way ticket to Laos and run away from reality. I am tired. My heart is ever heavy. Don't remember ever being in such shitty state in the last 22.5 years of my life. Why now? I have always been carefree. Why now? Can someone please just help me decide the path of my life? Maybe I should just go and be a nun. After all, since my birth, my life, my name has been in relation with Buddha. Maybe then I will find inner peace. I hate myself! This is crazy! I'm typing on my brother's laptop and crying! Why did I turn out to be like that? I dun usually cry. Well not cry for myself. Maybe for a touching movie, song or book. But crying over my own pathetic self. God my heart aches like hell. Please stop crying! Please stop being so pathetic.
Stopped crying liao. Feeling spent. I don't have any more energy to think. Maybe it's better this way. I can fall asleep without thinking so much. Haa... I can even laugh at myself. I will be fine, I hope.

Feeling shitty

Still thinking about Him. Why? Why can't I get Him out of my head? Whenever I am alone with nothing to do, he jus pops up in my mind. Yeesh! I want to forget Him. He's not worth me remembering! Such a flirt, such a heartless guy. Didn't even email to reply to my note. Yet I am still finding excuses for Him: Maybe it's too tough for Him to write email with his much to be improved English. Maybe he will write me a letter or postcard instead since he can get my home address from the school. Maybe.. Maybe. Just face it! He's not going to contact you at all. He was just looking for some fun to entertain himself in class. He's probably now flirting with another girl in the new class. Forget it.. He's not worth remembering..
Went through the research institute interview, got the internship. Think they are really desperate, probably not enough applicants that's why anyhow just accept me. Not feeling elated that I've got it. The remuneration is pretty crap. Net S$2000, no CPF, no leave days and no benefits of any kind. Even have to cut my pay should I want to take half day off to attend my own graduation ceremony. Ridiculous really. Sigh. I don't look forward to it at all. Still actually thinking if I should back out of it. But there's realities and the promises I made to myself in Chiangmai. I should stick to them. I should just follow through the internship, survive the 1 year. Who knows, I may end up loving it and intend to further my studies in it. Even if I don't, I would have a good chance to save money and then do whatever I want to do after the 1 year. It's just one year! Not very long... But then not short either. Sigh... I shall persevere. I shall prove to myself that I can take all kinds of hardship. Be determined! Be true to my decisions and not runaway at any crisis. Remember the lot I got at Wat Chedi Luang. Steer the ship through the storm and I will find light at the end...

Thinking of Chiangmai...

Back from my graduation trip. Glad that I did it all alone. Forced me to meet so many people, who showed me the many sides and shits of life. Thanx Nat, Laura, Kate, Anne, Constance, Chia, Niccolat, Rachel, Issao, Yumiko etc etc. All of you opened up my narrow world and showed me the possibilities and opportunities there are out there.
My heart aches as I write. I left it back in Chiangmai, partly becos of Him. Never felt like this before. Guess when someone pays attention to u, u can really feel very special. The sleepless nights thinking about Him, about his silly winks, love songs that he sings and the ways he had made me laughed. Never think I will like someone like Him, so flirtatious. No wonder ppl always say that girls prefer bad boys, guess it's true. After all he shouldn't be doing all that, especially since he has a gf already. But bit disappointed that he didn't even say goodbye. I shouldn't be reading too much of his flirting, probably he jus enjoy seeing me flushed when he teases me. Guess, we could still be friends, but really it's up to Him now. Wonder if he will ever email... Hope he will.
Another reason why I left my heart in Chiangmai.. I don't want to face the realities of life yet. Already Sis has warned me of my responsibilities to the family. That I have a need to work n earn money to contribute to the family. It's not that I don't want to, but jus that I don't even have a direction in life yet. When will I ever find the purpose of my life, the destiny that Buddha in heavens set out for me? Why am I still floundering? Why do I still feel lost?
This trip is suppose to let me think abt what I want in life, but don't think i manage to find an answer at all. Well, though things have pretty much fall into place with my work with the interview thingy coming up next tue, but still sometimes I can't help but ask myself if it's what I really want? Then again, I guess I may never know what I really want till I tried many different things. This is probably the first work that I am really going to try. I shall resolve to stick to it, survive the one year if I do get it. Maybe I will like it, maybe I won't. But I definitely have to try it out before I find out for myself.
Guess this trip is a good closure to my 1st phase of life. Also, the stuff i've learnt may be the start of my next phase 22.5 years. And this blog shall also be the new begining.. hopefully, the sky is brighter and clearer in days to come.